You Need to Talk
by artlessICTOAN
Summary: After being kidnapped by the Akatsuki and brought back from death Gaara is struggling to cope with this new reality. NaruGaa pre-slash
(Hoo boy this got long. My headcanon of what happened at the end of the rescue Gaara arc, playing fast and loose with actual canon, because I will be forever bitter over missed opportunities)

The stars seemed darker tonight. Everything did, he had been told by the numerous doctors he'd been thrown at in the four hours since he'd returned to Suna that it was probably a side-effect of his death and resurrection, though the same had been said of every unusual physical quirk he'd experienced since, stiff immovable fingers, difficulty breathing, the lingering nausea that refused to go away and refused to allow him to eat.

There was surely some truth to that, he thought, trying to clench his fingers resulted only in them loosely curling, but that was more than when he had first been brought back to life, when even a slight twitch seemed impossible. However he suspected that some effects were the result of the _other_ thing that had been taken from him – the thing that all the doctors seemed desperate to gloss over, though whether that was for his sake or theirs he couldn't say – was his eyesight really clouded from death, or had he simply yet to become accustomed to the senses of an ordinary human?

He could feel the intent eyes of the ANBU standing guard in the shadows; despite his assurances that the Akatsuki had gotten all they wanted from him and were unlikely to return any time soon he had felt the presence of at least two bodyguards near him at any one time, he wasn't sure whether to be frustrated at their coddling or thrilled that they cared enough to worry.

Less obvious in his lurking was Kankuro, his siblings had certainly been the most effected by his abduction – although neither of them would admit it, for there were many things in their family that went unspoken – he imagined there was still the fear in the back of their minds, that the next time Gaara was left alone he might disappear from their lives again, this time for good.

He had that fear himself, every time he closed his eyes.

"Shouldn't you be asleep?"

He blinked slowly out of the meditative trance he'd fallen into, glancing over his shoulder into bright blue eyes, they were somehow still so vibrant, despite his darkened vision.

"Probably," he didn't give any indication that he wanted him to stay, but Naruto sat down on the roof beside him anyway.

"Yeah, me too," the blond finally stopped staring at him and turned to look at the stars instead, Gaara wondered what he saw, were they as bright as he remembered them, cutting through the darkness like a blade, or was the way he saw them now the reality? "The stars are so bright out here, you never see this many in Konoha."

He didn't know what it was about that statement that made him sad, was it that he now had no connection to Naruto? For so long now he had been able to comfort himself on long nights, when he was frustrated at the villagers for being so unwilling to accept him, at himself for ever allowing that mistrust to build and with Shukaku's grating cackling and urges to just give in to his anger, kill them all as he once wished to, knowing that despite everything he had done – and he had done so much – there was a blond boy out there who understood, who knew what it was like to be so hated but by some miracle had never lowered himself to becoming what everyone else saw him as and who believed that he could do the same.

Could he really claim to be the same as that blond boy now, when he was no longer host to a demon?

Naruto glanced at him again, "hey Gaara… are- are you ok?" he whispered. His hands were fidgeting, almost like he wanted to do something with them – Gaara couldn't imagine what – but his eyes were steady, drilling into the side of his head, clearly he wasn't going to accept silence as an answer.

"I'm afraid I don't know how to answer that," his throat was still rather hoarse and he was careful to keep his voice low, he had a feeling this would be a conversation he'd prefer his unseen guards not hear.

"Yeah, I guess it's kinda hard to explain after, well, you know." The blond dropped his head, staring at his hands in his lap, willing them to keep still. "I guess I'm just worried and… and a little curious too. Ahh shit, that probably sounds really insensitive, doesn't it?"

The redhead actually felt a tiny smile tug at his lips, "No. Everyone's curious, it's the natural reaction I suppose, but you're the first one to ask. What is it specifically you're curious about?"

He looked surprised but didn't say anything immediately, he just shifted so he was facing Gaara head on, then looked down in deep thought for a few minutes. Gaara copied his position and allowed him the time to figure out what he wanted his next words to be.

Naruto took a deep breath, then locked his gaze with him. "Did it hurt?"

"The extraction hurt, but at the end when I was only aware of my body by looking on it from the outside, there was no pain. Not physical at least, it was simply… Lonely," he said, revelation tinting his voice slightly, he hadn't actually thought much about it until he'd been asked, his mind reluctant to dwell on the sensations of death.

The blond winced slightly when he mentioned extraction, his hand clenched the fabric over his stomach tightly, "how does it feel, without it?"

This time he had to pause for a few moments. "I… I'm not sure, it's difficult to- I feel lighter, but everything seems duller somehow. I still need more time to process everything and adjust."

"I understand, you don't have to force yourself if you don't want to-"

"No. I need, I need to tell someone, someone who might understand." Gaara took a deep breath, a quick scan of the surroundings revealed that Kankuro had at some point disappeared, he apparently understood the nature of this conversation and trusted Naruto to be alone with him, as the ANBU presence was also gone. That was good, he definitely didn't trust what he was about to admit with anyone but the blond before him.

"I… I can still hear him Naruto," his voice was shaky and he wasn't even sure if Naruto heard him, his hand reached up and fisted in his hair, a habit he had thought he'd grown out of years ago. "It's quiet, just a whispering at the edge of my consciousness that fades when I try to make out what is being said, but it's _his_ voice, I can feel the malice and bloodlust, I know he's gone, but… He's still there, clawing at my mind, or maybe it's just a part of me-" he sucked in a harsh breath, his speech was accelerating and he was on the verge of hyperventilating, "how much of what I had always thought was Shukaku was myself? All the times I thought I was simply being influenced by him, was that just me, my own hate and violence that I blamed on him as a convenient _excuse_ -"

Just as he was about to descend into true hysteria he was cut off by a warm hand gently pulling his clenched fist away from his hair – and when had he gained enough feeling in his fingers to do that? – while another hand landed on his shoulder, thumb rubbing calming circles into his skin.

"Breathe Gaara. You are not Shukaku, you are the Kazekage of Suna, you are the brother that Temari and Kankuro were terrified they'd lost forever. The fact that you're so worried about this proves that you're not a monster, a monster wouldn't care. What you're hearing is probably just some memory or subconscious reflex or, shit I don't know, I'm not a psychologist, I just know that you're a good person Gaara, remember how everyone gathered outside Suna to welcome you back? And how overprotective everyone's being because they're so worried about you? You've _earned_ that, because even though it must've be so hard to ignore the real monster and try to form bonds with your family and the villagers you still did it, hell you even became Kazekage! Do you have any idea how much I look up to you? You…" the blond petered off slightly, Gaara wasn't sure if it was his impaired vision or if Naruto was actually blushing, but it hardly mattered, as he could only stare in shock at everything that was being said about him. "You're amazing, you've become everything that I want to be. So don't ever call yourself a monster, or I'll come all the way here to kick your ass."

If he were capable of it he might've grinned at that last comment, as it was he simply released the breath he had been holding and flashed a slight smile at his first friend, quickly dropping his head, somewhat embarrassed at showing so much emotion, though there was no one he trusted more with his deepest thoughts and feelings. "Thank you, I'll try my best."

He looked back up at Naruto to see his famous grin, he idly wondered if he should reveal the strange tingling feeling that grew in his chest when he saw Naruto looking so happy, but decided against it, their talk had already exhausted him and even Naruto looked tired "You should go get some sleep, you'll need energy if you're leaving in the morning."

"What about you?" his grin faded slightly in worry.

"I don't think I'll be able to sleep for a few days at least, besides, I think I need some time to absorb… Everything. Don't worry, talking with you helped."

Naruto sighed in relief. "Well ok then, but you shouldn't keep things bottled up any more, if you ever have those sort of thoughts you should talk to Temari or Kankuro, they care about you. Or, if it's not an emergency you could always, you know, write to me or something, if you're not too busy or anything I just think-"

"Naruto"

"Yeah?"

Gaara smiled again, and this time he didn't look away, "I'd like to write to you, you are my friend after all."

The look on the blond ninja's face kept him content and warm all night.

He didn't stay long after Naruto and his comrades' left, as much as he wanted to stand and watch until his back disappeared from view, until that blond hair dissolved into the sands, he had things he needed to do. After only five minutes he turned away from the desert and strode with purpose back through the gates of his city.

As he walked into his home he immediately headed to his home office, his siblings had forbidden him from resuming his normal duties for at least one day so he could rest – they would have pushed for more, but the medics he had seen had given him the stamp of good health and it was most likely best for everyone involved that Temari and Kankuro weren't left to deal with the more obstinate council members, that could only end in violence – however he was not yet willing to face the looming spectre of sleep and keeping himself busy was considerably more appealing than being left with his own thoughts for the rest of the day.

He pulled out some blank papers to write on, as well as the relevant books and documents. Although his talk with Naruto last night hadn't completely eased his mind of all its worries, it had at least given him an idea. Perhaps growing up in such a dysfunctional and detached family had coloured his views more than he'd thought, or perhaps in was simply the culture of his home – where being strong and unemotional and an asset to your people was often more important than being happy – but talking about his feelings had been surprisingly reassuring, lifting a mental weight he hadn't even noticed until it was gone.

He sat down and started reading into Suna's current mental health services; he wasn't sure he was truly deserving of such admiration, but he would become someone worthy of Naruto's respect and if it could also help the people of his village live happier lives, then all the better.


End file.
